Gay-Face

Spannk has entered into the race a ‘lil late. It’s not like we weren’t in on all of the fun, but it took us a while to enter into the Gayface sweepstakes. It seems like the blogosphere has gone nuts with the Gayface phenomenon. Being that we are from Miami in a radically-forward-gay-friendly-city it’s not different for us to discern who’s gay or not just by looking at a dude's face.

Let me get you started: ‘Gayface’ is defined as “an expression characterized by the pop eyes, arched eye brows, pursed lips, and extreme vivacity found on a certain type of bachelor from coast to coast.” Urbandictionary.com suggests “a compulsion to make Cher-like expressions that leaves men with permanent female muscle contraction patterns.”

From growing up in our sun-kissed it’s 'OK to wax your chests and get frosted tips' sexually ambiguous paradise, it’s gotten quite difficult to tell who’s straight… and not.

Perfect example: Alex Rodriguez. Yes, he’s our native son and the best baseball player in the world. The man’s a true athletic phenomenon. But, there are times in my many A-Rod sightings where I look at the dude and wonder how straight he really is. He’s got a perpetual tan that’s been perfected with countless visits to the tanning salon. Let’s not overlook the highlights he sports in his perfectly coiffed hairdo. His skin radiates an obsessive-compulsiveness to beauty products created in Swiss laboratories and made from organic strawberries and jellybeans. His wardrobe looks like it was picked out by a flamboyantly gay stylist who insists on matching dress shirts with socks. Like for real, just because you live in Miami doesn’t mean you have to be partial to tropical colors like aqua. And who goes to the gym in perfectly fitted track pants with a Nike (excessively tight) shirt tucked into said pants? A gay man... and Alex Rodriguez.

But, Alex isn’t gay. Far from it. I think we all know that Alex lives by the motto of “If loving the ladies is wrong, I don't want to be right.” Which brings me back to my original point that it is becoming increasingly difficult to tell gay and straight guys apart. So frustrating.

It seems like Gayface dudes suffer from a bad case of self-consciousness. Picture the hilarious Derek Zoolander. Ben Stiller’s iconic role as male-model extraordinaire Zoolander sums up the look. The manner in which he Blue-Steele's everybody with his arched eyebrows and pursed lips defines the Gayface man in spades. Banana Republic sales clerks will agree – Zoolander is the poster child for Gayface.

So for every A-Rod confusion you endure, there's a Lance Bass to throw off the “gaydar” completely. The former ‘N Sync was so obvious that even when he finally came out I privately wondered why it was ever news to begin with. The entire boy-band genre had the workings of Gayface. Sorry ladies, but even Justin and Nick Lachey look incredibly gay. I guess when you sign your soul away for fame in boy-band-land you must become a Gayface disciple.

I boldly stated that Gayface dudes suffer self-consciously. Their look suggests one of extreme pain. Like the effeminate kid in P.E. who always got picked last for basketball. Every time it came to choosing teams Gayface-boy came into action. He made his Renee Zellweger ‘I’m sucking on a lemon, face’ and awaited the inevitable shame of being the throw-away pick. I believe that kid in my own middle school was named Lionel. I’m not kidding you when I tell you that my mom saw him a few years ago doing make-up at Burdines-Macy’s in Dadeland Mall a few years ago.

So while we all know that gay men tend to be more expressive than the straight guy, you cannot always base that as an indicator of their sexuality. 50 Cent, anyone? Has anybody ever seen the gangster rapper GQ cover shoot in 2005? Uh, so gay that I began to wonder who he was really rapping to in “Candy Shop”.

So Zac Efron, Sean Penn, and Robert Downey Jr. - I have my eye on you. You’ve been throwing up warning flags ever since you appeared on celluloid. Their faces are weirdly plastic, namely Efron, with the vivacious eyes.

Send us your favorite Gayfaces and let’s play the game. We can participate in the “outing” process and encourage our unwilling participants to either shit or get off the pot. Get your girlfriends in on it. For some reason chicks are unbelievably scary-good at it. But watch out, problems may arise when they call your childhood sleepover buddy into question. Gayface has arrived in Spannk land!!