Beauty Secrets

Growing up, the closest I ever came to a “beauty-enhancement” procedure was applying some Colgate toothpaste to a crater pimple on my forehead. Years later my girlfriend let me in on a little secret: I wasn’t doing jack. The pimple-toothpaste remedy is nothing but a myth. All you’re doing is drying out the pimple. The ugly red dot on your forehead is staying. Boy, was I foolish. To think about all those years of unnecessarily stinging the hell out of my face for nothing makes my blood boil.

So here I am in Prague, working on getting a 6-pack for the first time since I turned 22(Btw, I’m 33 now.) I’m dieting in a manner I've never attempted before. In my free time I run sprints, work out like a marine, and pump weights with animalistic zeal. I’m proud to say that I’ve lost 13 pounds in 5 months, and have a sculpted physique that has me proudly taking off my shirt every opportunity I get. LOL. It’s a vain, vain world, y’all.

Then I come to find out that for $15 grand I can have the body I want without any of the gym time or effort… Men from all over the world are cheating, and buying themselves 6-packs. It’s an operation called “high-definition liposculpture.”

The procedure, which takes between two and five hours, utilizes many of the same exercises you do at the gym. Before heading into the operating room, you do crunches, leg raises, and other core exercises to pump up your abs. Your doctor then comes over with a marker to sketch out the edges. Once in the O.R., the surgeon inserts a VASER probe into your abdomen and begins to melt away the fatty layer under your skin. The liquidized lard is then extracted by a tube designed to suck out the melted fat. Once the procedure is over, the swelling can last for months, and the patients say recovery feels akin to "getting hit by a bus."

44 year-old guys who haven’t done a crunch since high school are now walking around looking like Brad Pitt in “Troy”. You think that’s bad? For $2,500 you can get a chin implant that could have you looking like Brad’s buddy, George Clooney. Going bald? No problem! For $4,500 a surgeon collects roughly 500 hair plugs from the back of your head, then individually grafts them onto your bald areas.

All of you ex-roiders need not worry either. Those bitch-tits you’ve been carrying around to your great shame can also be cured. No more NOT taking your shirt off at the 4th of July pool party. For $4,500 you can get yourself a male breast reduction. Bird chested? Not a problem. For $8,500 go buy yourself male breast implants.

Worst of all, what if you’re stumbling around town with a tiny, baby kyak? One that has girls questioning whether you’re hard or not? One so tiny that once inside doing the deed, your lady friend has to get creative in making herself climax? Tiny penis dudes, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. Pull out your shriveled baby rattle and head over to your nearest clinic for a penis enlargement. The Mayo Clinic defines a puny penis as one that “measures less than three inches when erect,” a condition that even has its own medical term: “micropenis”.

 So dudes who’ve been cursed with a penis that while hard is comparable to one we call “limp-dick” are turning to a solution that’s considered risky (erectile dysfunction can occur). What the good doctor does is cut a ligament to make the penis appear larger and longer. They add girth by skin-grafting from you or a cadaver.

The price? $5,350 and no sex for 6 weeks. But chances are if you’re one of these micropenis men you haven’t had sex in a while. Why would you? Hand me a rifle and make the funeral arrangements. A girl pulling down your Joe Boxers instantly turns into the most traumatic moment of your life. I don’t even want to imagine what you did in the shower at gym class…

The world’s changing. Men are no longer playing with the cards they’ve been dealt. They’re cheating the house. In Vegas you get taken to the back and beaten for your troubles. In today’s surgically-enhanced times you’re walking out with a 6-pack and a John Holmes cock. Who am I to complain? I can’t hate on these guys for bettering themselves. I really didn’t complain the first time I cupped a D-sized silicone breast. It was pretty cool. Although, I quickly got over that novelty act. I wonder what happens when Johnny Puny becomes Johnny Thunder overnight. Does he feel better about himself knowing it’s all fake, and he's a walking Beverly Hills surgical creation? Probably not. Finally having a penis he can actually put a grip on has gotta be confident relief.

XXX side note: To all of you health freaks that swear by soy just know that it’s all a myth. It has been proven to cause infertility in men by mimicing human hormonal estrogen. So drop all of those disgusting tofu burgers and get your sperm count back before it’s too late.